Hey, Whaddya Say We Destroy Citibank?

Banks are evil. I know this and chances are that you do, too. If you ever have to choose between spending time with a banker and a pedophile, I suggest that you go with the kidfucker. If nothing else, he'll have candy and video games, and the best you can expect to get from a banker is a goddamned toaster. If you're lucky.

Not only do you and I hate banks, so does God. As you know, all of the monotheist religions prohibit usury, upon which the very concept of banking is predicated. If you're anything approaching a Child of God, you probably agree with me that banks should be destroyed in a way that only Timothy McVeigh can truly appreciate and their employees roasted over an open spit.

Okay, I understand that all of the monotheistic religions also prohibit murder and the wanton destruction of private property, but I was never all that religious. I deeply resent that something as wholly pleasurable as vengeance should be reserved for Him and I refuse to abide by it.

Unfortunately, we need the crooked bastards and all the wickedness they invent before showering in the morning. That's why governments around the world - which, loosely translated means us - saved the dumb beasts from their own savage stupidity less than two years ago.

You see, a bunch of years ago, the United States government decided it would be a really great idea to force the banks to give mortgage loans to people who could never hope to pay them back. Then people who could pay back their home loans figured that they could use their homes as an ATM, so they could live like Karadashians with smaller asses.

Almost immediately, small banks sold these bad loans to mega-banks, who carved them up as re-sold them as investment vehicles. The Smartest Guys in the Room then went about placing bets (know as Credit Default Swaps in industry parlance) with one another that these mortgages would be repaid on time and with interest.

Eventually everyone figured out that people with debts that far exceed their incomes aren't exactly famous for paying back loans, and the entire system collapsed into a babbling mess of greed and stupidity. If you're interested in reading a more detailed account of how this all played out, I can't recommend Michael Lewis' book The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine highly enough.

Thankfully for the banks, the only people dumber than bankers are American politicians, who compensated the mega-banks to the tune of 100 cents on the dollar; something that's virtually unheard of when the base issue is an almost criminal level of ignorance of how life actually works.

And you know what? The bailouts didn't bother me all that much. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to angrily march with the outraged socialists and vapid Tea Partiers who actually wanted a systemic collapse. Violent anger, if you haven't noticed, is sort of my thing. But I sort of expect those people to explain to me how you manage a modern society without a financial system first. And nobody has, so fuck them.

That being said, my patience and respect for logic isn't boundless. There is a point where I decide that I'm Howard Beale, throw caution to the wind, and become every bit as irrational as Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. There will come a time when I decide to abandon my beliefs and advocate paying for your comfy condo with chickens and unspoiled virgins after each and Lloyd Blankfien, Jamie Dimon and every banker in the world has choked on his own blood.

Citibank is bringing me dangerously close to that point.

A woman in New York has sued Citigroup Inc, accusing the bank of firing her for being too good-looking.

The bank believes the lawsuit should be dismissed, or else sent to arbitration, court records show.

Debrahlee Lorenzana alleged that management had warned her not to dress like her female co-workers because her “shapeliness” upset her “easily distracted” male colleagues and supervisors.

The lawsuit was filed in November 2009. It received new attention after The Village Voice published an article about the 33-year-old, 5-foot-6 woman.

“What they said to me is (other women’s) body types and my body type were different and because of my body type I drew too much attention,” Lorenzana told CBS affiliate WCBS.

As an editorial aside, I have it on good authority, that Ms. Lorenzana weighs only 125 pounds, most of which comfortably reside in her glorious tits and an ass that can make Christopher Hitchens join a gospel choir.

Debrahlee Lorenzana s nothing less than the perfect specimen of humanity and should be allowed to do whatever the fuck she wants. If there were any justice in the world, she should be allowed to remove a toddler's teeth with a hunting knife and get nothing less than a raise for it.

Her lawsuit alleges: “As a result of her tall stature, coupled with her curvaceous figure, Lorenzana was told she should not wear classic high-heeled business shoes, as this purportedly drew attention to her body in a manner that was upsetting to her easily distracted managers.”

What precisely were her managers distracted from? If you've read anything at all about the financial crisis of Ought-Eight, you know that Citi and its chucklehead chairman, Vikram Pandit, were prime players in the End of the World. Worse, thanks to the repeal of Glass-Steagal, and unlike the monsters at Goldman Sachs, Citigroup was engaged in over-leveraged gambling with FDIC - guaranteed money.

It seems to me that's precisely the sort of thing Citibank's managers should have been distracted from. If those idiots could get hard over anything other than collateralized debt obligations, the world would probably be a better place today and we'd only be suffering from a historically average level of blind stupidity.

“My entire life, I’ve been dealing with this. People say, ‘Oh, you got a job because you look that way,’ ” Lorenzana told the Daily Telegraph. “Are you saying that just because I look this way genetically, that this should be a curse for me?”

Lorenzana was hired by Citibank in September 2008 as a $70,000 per year business banker. Within weeks of her arrival, Lorenzana alleged that she was summoned to a meeting with two male managers who pointed to her bottom and told her that her trousers were too tight.

“I honestly couldn’t believe it. I was in shock,” she told the Telegraph. “They pulled me aside and told me I could not wear pencil skirts, business suits that were fitted – basically what every woman in New York wears to go to work.”

Lorenzana wrote a letter to the human resources department complaining that other female employees were allowed to wear what they liked “because they were short, overweight and they didn’t draw much attention, but since I was five foot six, 125 pounds, with a figure, it wasn’t ‘appropriate.’ ”

You know, I'm awfully tired of hearing about what a hard time Jesus Christ had. When all is said and done, he really only had three particularly bad days. Debrahlee Lorenzana, on the other hand, is being viciously persecuted just because she's physically perfect in every conceivable way. Worse, she's being persecuted by semi-functional retards who managed to lose hundreds of billions of dollars of value after being given $25 billion in TARP money.

Vikram Pandit is still allowed to have a personal fortune of tens of millions of dollars after blowing his own company, yet Debrahlee is thrown out on her beautifully sculpted posterior for no other reason because she's beautiful in ways the actually defy the laws of physics. Ms. Lorenzana has been reduced to nothing while vengeful homosexuals with a demonstrably shitty track record of handling money continue to collect their seven-figure salaries.

Where is the justice, I ask you. Where is the motherfucking outrage? How long, Oh Lord, must such iniquity be rewarded on this earth? Everything that was pure, righteous and beautiful in life was spoiled long ago. I couldn't be more certain of that than I am now.

Unlike the inbred and chronically wrong Tea Parties, I supported the banking bailouts because I actually took the time understand how the world really works. The unsecured debt that these two-legged beasts owed to one another through the good offices of AIG threatened nothing less than the flattening of the Western Way of Life.

It was more of an existential threat than slamming all of the world's Takfiris together and creating a genetically engineered, 400-foot-tall , fire-breathing terrorist with lasers for eyes. The 9/11 hijackers only managed to destroy a couple of buildings. The duplicitous hijinks of the banking sector threatened to make buildings like that unnecessary.

Well, the Days of Big Crisis are over and those blindingly wrongheaded obligations that would have reduced us to the standard of living last seen in Dickens novels have been repaid in full.

Now is the time for vengeance! We can now destroy those bastards individually and break them up so that their stellar incompetence and monstrous malfeasance never threatens us - and, more importantly, Debrahlee - ever again. If slurring corporate stooges like Barack Obama, Larry Summers and Mitch McConnell don't want to do it, which they obviously don't, they should be forced to.

All of them should be regulated to their fucking eyeballs and their officers caned until they're actually dizzy from blood loss. Their broken bodies and destroyed offices should be left on Wall Street as an example to the survivors. And Citigroup is as good a place to start as any.

How much longer should Debrahlee Lorenzana and my penis suffer for the sins of others?